I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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