i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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