If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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