My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
