I need help removing her.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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