It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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