Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
