They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
