She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
