dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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