My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
