A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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