I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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