just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
