I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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