He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
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It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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