I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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