Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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