Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
