What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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