i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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