There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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