WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
