i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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