trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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