Your face is a jimmy john
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
