Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
