I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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