I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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