I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
