I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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