explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
