you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
