Do you still have your period?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
