at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
