Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
