if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
