I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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