Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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