we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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