remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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