quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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