I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
