im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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