he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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