My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
