is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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