how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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