My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
