i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
