if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
