i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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