my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
