I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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