I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
