he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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