dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im having a threesome with these popsicles
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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