I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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