also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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